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How I punched Las Vegas right back in the face

I’d rather walk around with a blowdryer in my pants all day than endure this heat any longer. It’s 48 degrees outside, and that is like being punched in the head by the very pizza you are making. You can’t even begin to imagine how hot 48 degrees is.

The first night, Vegas has been anything but a gentleman. To add insult to injury, it is 48 degrees outside. FORTY-EIGHT. That is a 4 and a 8.

I’m a little apprehensive to leave the comfort of my hotel room. Partly because of how terrible last night was, and partly because of the fact that it is 48 degrees Celcius outside. Forty-eight! Not 20, when you decide to put on your shorts, or 25, when you put on your flip flops. Not even 30, when you take off your top. Not even 35 where you think you will die. Not 40. Not even 45. FORTY-EIGHT degrees. Anyway.

Drop it like it’s hot

To be completely fair, it is not that bad. Yes, it is incredibly hot, and yes, I can’t do anything outside without looking like I just got out of the pool, but.. It’s not that bad. I remember last summer when it was so hot in Holland and I thought I was dying inside. The heat in Holland is much more humid. Here it is very dry. And that’s nice. It’s alright, I rather have 48 degrees here than 32 degrees in Holland. 

After taking a quick dip in the pool (I checked: no need for pool heating) we go to Walmart, ‘Murica’s most famous supermarket. We do some groceries, I can’t stop laughing at the bananas (explanation below), almost buy some AK-47 ammunition and find a pancake on a stick. What a store.

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View from the pool, hiding from the sun.

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-no joke- You can buy Nato ammunition for your AK47 in a supermarket here. IN A SUPERMARKET!!!!

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A pancake on a stick! Where can you buy a pancake on a stick? HERE!

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This is the funniest thing I have EVER seen. My brother Bas will agree. You see, I’m about as colourblind as can be and on all these three photos the banana’s look EXACTLY the same to me. :’)

Vegas again, then

There is no escaping anymore after returning to the hotel and having had some food, we can’t stay here forever. And so we get out again and go to the first casino we see, the (very classy) Hooters, where I put all my money on black (come on, its my last name!). As I sit down, I count my dollars. Sixteen, not a whole lot, I’m not a rich man, but I guess that is a good thing. The machine won’t take my sixteenth dollar and I wonder if this is a sign. Ah well. Fifteen dollar it is, then.

Bravely I drag some digital chips from the machine to the part that says black and wait for the countdown to start. The numbers begin to spin, the ball is thrown in and the anticipation builds. Spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. More spinning. This thing is spinning forever!  Then it slows down.. The ball lands, but I can’t see yet where, because the stupid thing is still spinning. I am ready to say goodbye to my few dolari until…. 11 BLACK! “HA, BOYAAAAA!” I shout. The lady next to me looks at me and sighs. Annemiek and I high five. “IN YOUR FACE, HOOTERS!” 

“Time to get the hell out of this place,” I think. When you play long enough, even if you play it right, the house always wins and right now I have a 200% return on my investments. I cash out at the registry and walk towards the front door. But before I open the door, I see Annemiek is hesitating. She has seen success, and now wants some herself as well. I wonder how many psychological studies have been done about gambling, I assume seeing success also makes you want to play. Annemiek wants to have a go at it too, but unfortunately isn’t so lucky. 

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 All ze money on black! 

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BOOYAAA! Punched Vegas right back in the face!

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 Annemiek reluctantly handing over her last dollar to the machine. (Jokes. Mostly)

Newfound respect

It is funny how casino’s work. They are set up like a maze, once you are inside, it is very hard to find the exit again. Just stay with us! Also, there are no windows, to take away the idea of time. Thirsty? No need to stop giving money to the house: drinks are complimentary when you’re playing. Hungry? No need to leave the building, “upstairs, we have many delicious burgers for you.” Stressed? Poor thing. Why don’t you light up a cigarette? No problem here! It will all cost you a little more than usual though: a single + a double espresso in a Starbucks in the MGM Grand cost nearly 10 bucks. TEN!!! For 2 TINY cups of coffee. 

We find an exit after all and take the monorail train to the north side of the strip, towards the Venetian, the Bellagio, the Cesar’s palace, the big boys. The Venetian is MADNESS. What they have done, is rebuild the city of Venice INSIDE a hotel. There are houses that look just like the ones in that Italian water city, there are GONDOLAS in a CANAL INSIDE where -if you’re completely retarded- you can be taken for a spin with an ‘authentic’, singing Italian gondola driver.

It is here, at the Venetian, where I change my mind a little bit about how much I dislike every centimetre of this place. Not that I am starting to like it, mind you, ooooh no. But I do have a newfound respect of the lengths the creators have gone through to seduce people into spending money. It is absolutely MENTAL.

Cesar’s palace too, where they have recreated the Colloseum, the Trevi Fountains, and Pantheon, the house of all gods, or the Mirage and the Belagio, where -in the MIDDLE of the DESERT, in the 48 degree heat and with no water- they have created a massive pond with a -rather disappointing- fountain show. Who comes up with these ideas? Who FUNDS these things? It must have taken BILLIONS and BILLION of monies, and a LOT of trust.

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Intestines of the Venetian. Including M.C. Escher floor.

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Recreated Venice INSIDE a hotel. It’s INSANE.

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Would you really want to go for a trip with that gondola lady? I pass.

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Roof of the Venetian. (almost) exactly like the sixteenth chapel, guys.

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View of the Mirage, that has a huge pond in the torrid heat.

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There it is.

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A replica of the Roman Trevi fountain. Who comes up with these ideas?!

As I walk past the Eiffel Tower (Sorry, mi vida, I love you) I think of how silly this place is. Silly, silly, silly. I might not have shaken Sinatra’s hand, but I’ve entered the big casino’s, I’ve absorbed all the shouting commercials and vicious neon sign, I even doubled my money.

We leave here tomorrow with double the money I came with, and that to me feels like a double win…

Thanks for all the sweet comments, messages and encouragements, it really motivates me to keep writing down my silly stories every day. I love every single one of you. See you tomorrow!

IMG_5826Who ever thought it was a good idea to put a replica of the Eiffel Tower in the middle of a desert. Who?!

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Or New York’s skyline, for that matter. With Lady Liberty. AND A ROLLERCOASTER!!1!

(my mom said this was a good idea)This is where I am right now:

READ NEXT: I’M IN VEGAS. AND IT’S INCREDIBLY TERRIBLE

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This is Travel Viking

Captain of the Ship at This is Travel Viking
Writer. Traveller. Bearded man child. Better-looking than Donald Trump. Skinnier than Steven Seagal. Probably the best writer on this website.
This is Travel Viking
Stalk me

Latest posts by This is Travel Viking (see all)

This is Travel Viking

Writer. Traveller. Bearded man child. Better-looking than Donald Trump. Skinnier than Steven Seagal. Probably the best writer on this website.

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